Faith is HARD.

This morning I received an email from my sister and I really felt lead to share it with you all. We all have things that we struggle with and I love her transparency.

At the beginning of the year God really spoke to me which lead to me journaling one night and the main basis of that entry was WHO AM I? I had no idea where that question would lead me. I still don't to be honest. I didn’t even understand at the time why i felt the need to write that phrase over and over again on that journal entry. I had no question about by identity then. Move forward a few weeks after that and I felt very strongly I was to "make myself available" I had no idea what that meant and I struggled so much with what I felt I knew that meant. After much argument with god I stepped down from several leadership roles in our church. Then in June I was laid off from my job. I wasn’t overly worried about that lay off; strangely I felt so much peace with that event, but these last few months have been a very difficult learning process for me. See I’m learning the answer to WHO AM I? Who am I when I’ve always been the planner, the person who knows what’s next, the medical assistant, the youth sponsor etc., and now I’m asking WHO AM I when I feel like I just don’t know the next step. I don’t know where to go. I don’t understand why I’ve been positioned where I am. WHO AM I when I feel I am at a standstill just waiting on the next direction to come. I've prayed so many times Lord, what are you teaching me? Where are you taking me? SILENCE is always the answer and I don’t deal well with not knowing. If we want to be honest I don’t FAITH well. I don’t DEPEND on God well. In theory it all sounds good and I do believe in him and I do believe he takes care of us but I don't actually live that out the way my mind believes it. My flesh wants to know, wants to plan, and wants to be IN CONTROL.

This morning god slapped me in the face lol. Have you ever had one of those moments as a parent or sibling or whatever that you just want to grab someone and shake them so hard and say WAKE UP YOU IDIOT. Well, I was in my barn gym this am, the one with the most amazing view. The one that i would have never thought I’d have especially at the beginning of this year the one that says all over it IM GOD AND IM TAKING CARE OF YOU... well, God shook me so hard. He said I’m right here you idiot and I’m taking care of you. Have i failed you, have you wanted for anything, can you not see me? Talk about humbling. Shortly after this a song comes on by Dillon Chase called transcending light the song starts with

“I was in the dark so long my eyes adjusted. I'd feel my way around like no sunrise was coming. Even shadows need light behind the subject" OMG this is so how I’ve felt like I’m walking around and nothing is coming so I’m discouraged and lowly and down on myself and questioning my worth etc.... so A few more lines then

"My drowning likes to drown you out... this coward shouts "I lost faith when i found my doubt"

That’s so it. Doubt destroys us. I’m not saying that I still have no doubt or that I’m even going to have this great faith that moves mountains and speaks life into everything, but if i know anything it’s that MY GOD is SO beyond amazing that he peruses you when you lose sight of him. He pursues you when you don’t trust him. He pursues you when you have doubt. I can’t help but get excited over that. I’m not perfect, i have so much sin in my life it’s unreal. Any person out there could look at me and be like yup there goes the hypocrite...., but even in all that MY GOD LOVES ME, he takes care of me, he pursues me. He says YOU ARE MINE.... we need to quit putting standards on ourselves to live up to who WE think we are because it’s just going to get torn down anything we can build is destructible it’s just going to leave you feeling worthless and defeated i the end, but GOD he builds things we can’t imagine. He builds a life of worth. What he builds can never be destroyed and it will give you rest. We need to rest in who god says we are. I still don’t know who I am, heck I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, but I do know GOD's GOT ME The chorus of that song says " This light is leading me to see that you are everything and this life, given to me, i will offer faithfully"

So here I am faithfully offering myself to the lord. Lord, show me who you say I am. Even if I’m just a shadow- your light shines behind me.

HIS WILL, HIS WAY, MY FAITH

I DESIRE MERCY, NOT SACRIFICE PART 2

I want to dive in a little further as to what God meant by “I desire mercy, not sacrifice”. To truly understand what God is saying here we have to understand what sacrifices were all about. In the Old Testament sacrifice was a means of worship and atonement for sin. In Hosea God is speaking to the Israelites who have become so caught up in worldly things that they are no longer seeking God. They have begun to worship idols between Sundays. They’re still going to temple and making the sacrifices, but they do it out of routine and obligation. God is telling them that their sacrifices mean nothing to Him and are, in fact, repulsive to Him because they’re not done with a heart of mercy.

God desires for us to know Him in such a way that we seek Him and his guidance in everything that we do. This particular phrase is used several times throughout the bible. The one that sticks out to me the most is in Matthew. Matthew is hosting a dinner party and everyone has been invited. It wasn’t one of those selective invitation to avoid drama kind of parties. Jesus is sitting at the table with a shady IRS agent, maybe some dishonest real estate guys. The bible calls them tax collectors and sinners. I imagine his feet propped up, laughing, telling stories and jokes, maybe they’re playing some Jenga. He seems to be having a great time. The Pharisees pull Matthew aside and are like “Dude, why is Jesus hanging out with THOSE guys?” Jesus happens to overhear this little side chat and steps in. He tells them it’s not the healthy who need the doctor. How can we share God’s love with those who need it most of we’re not willing to love them regardless of who they are? This is where the mercy comes in. We live in a world that is so full of judgement and self-righteousness. Jesus didn’t call us to share his mercy by sitting on our high horse. Let me tell you we’re all a hot mess. We all have sin in our lives. The difference is that we have an almighty God whose grace and mercy covers that sin. Your sin is no less than the sin of homeless man on the corner. Your sin is no less than that girl on Instagram that posts revealing photos. Your sin is no less than any other person on this planet. The only difference is that we have found salvation and redemption. Why would we not want to share that with them who haven’t found it yet? The only way to do that is to sit down with them and get to know them. Love them the way God loves us. You can’t expect them to understand and receive the message of redemption if they don’t SEE it in action. God didn’t call us to only love and minister to the ones that are healthy. He has called us to love the ones that are unloved. God didn’t call us to judge someone else for their sin. He just told us to love them regardless of their sin. Aren’t you glad that God didn’t deem us unworthy?

GIRL INTERUPTED - GOD'S GOT THIS!

Alright, I know that you guys are just hanging on the edge of your seat waiting for part 2 of the blog I posted last week, but today has been an interesting day and I really feel lead to share it with you. To give you a little background I will tell you that I have a younger brother who has gotten himself into somewhat of a situation. He has struggled heavily with drug addiction and with that addiction comes bad decision after bad decision.

Today is a day that we have dreaded for quite some time. He was due to appear in court and enter his plea for a 10 year sentence. The last few months he has been staying with me while out on bond and I have had the opportunity to start to rebuild a relationship that has been broken for most of my adult life. He’s been clean for the last few months and it’s been nice to get to know the brother that I knew existed in there somewhere. This is his 3rd prison sentence. We’ve been down this road before, but this time is different. In our time together the last few months we’ve discussed God a LOT. He believes in God. I think he always has to a certain degree, but when you find yourself in the darkest of places you wonder. This morning I woke up extra early so that I could spend some time with him before I had to head out for the day. I try to start my morning off with a little Jesus. So I’m in my bathroom getting ready and my brother comes in. I am listening to a message preached by Steven Furtick entitled “The Way of Escape” (if you haven’t heard it please look it up) and he’s talking about the ways that we try to escape eventually become our prisons. He’s talking about drug addiction, sex, food, exercise …..Anything can become our personal prison if we allow it. He asks what I am listening to and says “Let’s hear what he has to say”. After a few minutes he leaves and I am able to join him on the patio to talk for a bit before I have to leave.

I will spare you the details of the conversation because it’s both a little too personal for a blog and this is already going to be long enough as it is. If you’ve read this far stick with me. I leave him with a bit of encouragement, an “I LOVE YOU” and a reminder that God’s got this. I get into the car to start my daily commute and this is the time I take to pray usually. I am praying for peace and comfort for my brother. You know, the prayers we pray when we really don’t know how to pray for someone who is in a situation we’ve never personally experienced. Then I hear God’s voice so definitely tell me to stop talking for just ONE second so He can get a word in edgewise. I’m like “Alright Lord….whatcha got?” He tells me we have got to stop praying for peace and understanding and start praying with authority to break the chains that bind him so tightly. I have always known that my brother has a call on his life. I have questioned time and again and plead with God to change his heart. This isn’t about a change of heart. His heart is there. This is about praying with the authority that God gave us to bind the devils at work. God so clearly explained to me that He has given my brother a gift so powerful and Satan is twisting and distorting that power in such a way that it doesn’t seem Godly at all. It’s funny, I always think of Satan as using doubt and lies to prevent us from fulfilling our purpose. I never really considered that he would use the very gifts that God gave us and twist them to use against us, but he is willing to use whatever hold he can get on us to prevent us from fulfilling Gods call on our life.

Today is not a day to dread. Today is the beginning of his redemption story. I claim victory in Jesus name. The chains of addiction among others WILL be broken.

If you are struggling know that no matter how far you’ve strayed, no matter what kind of mess you have created God is right there to clean it up. You can try to clean it on your own and you may make some progress, but in order to be good as new only God can do that. My God is a God of forgiveness and mercy. You only have to ask and allow Him to do the work. There’s not a mess too big for God.

I DESIRE MERCY, NOT SACRIFICE - PART 1

There is so much to this that I am still trying to flesh out so bear with me. Sometimes it feels like God just downloads so much into your brain that it becomes overwhelming. My heart knows the message to convey, but putting it into readable words can be difficult for me.

God had laid it on my heart to start reading in Hosea earlier this week and as I began reading it I honestly had no idea what he was trying to convey. In hindsight it makes sense, but do you ever start to read something and you’re like “God, this makes no sense…where are you going with this?” this was definitely one of those moments for me. I power through to chapter 6 and THERE IT IS. Hosea 6:6 reads: For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings. I immediately wanted to read this verse in a different translation. My favorite cross reference translation is The Message so I switched the translation over in my app and that version says “I am after love that lasts, not more religion. I want you to know GOD, not go to more prayer meetings.

Guys, this is the very core of what God wants from us. He desires a relationship with us. We can go to church every time the doors are open. We can give our money to every ministry, missionary or charity that tickles our fancy. We can even spend our time volunteering or feeding the poor, but if our heart is not seeking Him He doesn’t care. He says in Isaiah that our worship charades and our church meetings wear Him out because they have become an obligation and are no longer about seeking Him. They have become a show that we put on. I have heard SO many times “I am a Christian. I go to church.” But we have to understand that God doesn’t want us to go to church just because that’s the thing that Christians do. He gave us the church as a place to fellowship with one another, to worship HIM, and to help each other seek HIM. If you’re going just to say you’ve gone you might as well stay at home. Acts of good and lip service religion will NOT get us through that narrow gate to heaven. The only way to heaven is through HIM.

“These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me” (Mark 7:6).

What is your Jericho?

Sometimes we have one Jericho after another it seems. Joshua has been on my mind a lot the last few days. We read about this in the book of Joshua. If you are not familiar with the story, I recommend that you dust off that bible of yours and read the entire book. There’s a lot to take from it.

In my life right now, I feel like I have multiple Jericho’s to conquer. I know that God has more for me on the other side…. a promised land if you will. I was reminded this week of Joshua. He has succeeded Moses in leading the Israelites and has been tasked with leading this army to defeat Jericho. This is a major hurdle that they must get over in order to claim the land that God promised. Joshua has been an assistant to Moses for some time so he’s not new to how God works. He’s seen how God guided Moses.

When they were camping in Gilgal (just outside of Jericho), Joshua sees a soldier with his sword drawn and runs up to him and asks him “Are you for me or against me?”. This soldier then answers “I am neither. I am the leader of the Lord’s Army.”. In that moment Joshua falls on his face and says, “What does my lord say to his servant?”.  This is where I take pause. Joshua didn’t say “well, here’s my plan…. I’m going to need your help with this.”. He fell on his face and asked for instruction. I think sometimes we think we know how we’re going to defeat our obstacles and ask God for assistance in it, but we need to be falling on our faces and asking God how we can help HIM to conquer them.

As you read on the soldier gives Joshua instructions on how to defeat Jericho. They are to march around the city silently once per day for 6 days and on the 7th day march around 7 times, blast the trumpet and shout. From my human perspective I would seriously be questioning these instructions. I’d be arguing “are you SURE this is how we’re going to defeat this city? Have you seen how big those walls are?”.  I’m pretty sure this is an argument that I have with God regularly. Sometimes HIS way seems strange and unproductive, but Joshua didn’t question even for an instant. He did as the Lord commanded and sure enough on the 7th day after the trumpet blasted and they shouted the walls of Jericho crumbled.

I challenge you and myself to be more like Joshua. Have faith in his methods and ask for guidance rather than help.

Faith Like Mary

Here I sit on Christmas Eve night reflecting on the reason for the season. We all read the story in Luke every year and celebrate the birth of our Savior. He is certainly the center of attention this time of year – rightfully so, but as I listened to our pastor speak this evening about the arrival of the Messiah I began to think about Mary. We all know the basics of the story. She was a virgin whom God chose due to her unyielding faith.  I dig a little deeper, though. You have a young woman- given the cultural norms of that time probably 13-14 years old. She was engaged to be married to Joseph, the carpenter. Mary was from a humble family from nowhere significant. I can imagine that she had her whole life planned out. She would marry Joseph, raise a couple of babies, and serve the Lord. Little did she know that God had much bigger plans.

When Gabriel came to her, she was confused and obviously frightened, but when he assured her that he had been sent by God she was quick to listen. Can you imagine what she must have felt when she heard the message? She had a few questions to which Gabriel basically replied “The Holy Spirit is going to miraculously conceive in you. Don’t worry! God’s got this…. He has a plan!”.  This is where it starts to hit me. She says, “I am the Lord’s servant, may your word to me be fulfilled.”. She didn’t say “I’m not sure.” Or “Let me think about this for a while.”. She just said yes without hesitation. She agreed without considering what others might think or how it might affect her engagement to Joseph. She so blindly trusted God’s plan for her even though it would mean having to face judgement and potentially changing her entire life plan. I want to have faith like Mary.

This is where I find myself today. If you’ve read my previous posts from this last year you can see how long I’ve been struggling with this. God gave me clear instructions to start this blog over a year ago. For what reason? I really don’t know. Actually- that’s not even completely true. I do know that God has a plan for me. To use my story, my brutal honesty, my transparency to reach others. He’s promised to use my journey for His glory. Even with His promise why is it so hard to just say yes and do it? My fear of being 100% transparent about all my flaws to not just my close friends and family but to an internet full of people looking to tear you apart at the first opportunity. I am putting this in God’s hands. I hope you are all enjoying this season of celebration with your loved ones. I will see you all in 2019!!

Forgiveness is a reflection of loving yourself enough to move on

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, letting go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

***Forgiveness should NOT be confused with

• Approving of or excusing of the offense

• Saying that you no longer hurt

• Saying that you are not justified in feeling hurt

• Committing to a future relationship with the offender

• Believing that they are off the hook - forgiveness does not absolve the offender

WHY DO WE FORGIVE? - BECAUSE GOD SAID SO!

I kind of look at my relationship with God like a parent/child relationship. Sometimes it's easier to understand when I relate it that way. There's a reason that he's our Heavenly FATHER. He is there to guide us on the right path. He has rules and expectations like any other good parent would have of their children. As a parent myself I know that every rule that I have for my children serves a purpose and is for their own good. They serve to teach, guide or protect. I don't believe that God's parenting style is any different.

How many times growing up have we been told that we needed to forgive and forget because that's what Jesus would do? Maybe you were just told that forgiving the other person was just the right thing to do. In Matthew 6: 14-15 The Bible says if we forgive men then our heavenly father will forgive us, but if we don't then He won't. Sounds reasonable, doesn't it? I feel like this is something that we kind of skip over as Christians. We've all said The Lord's Prayer a million times, but that line that says "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us" doesn't really hit home like it should. We talk a lot about God's grace and His forgiveness as a selling point to Christianity, but we don't talk a lot about the prerequisites. God is full of love and mercy and all of these great things, but like any good parent there are things that are required of us as well. Those requirements are in place for our benefit.

Sometimes forgiveness is easy. The tiny infractions come easy most of the time. When it comes to the bigger offenses forgiveness is HARD, ya'll! That tiny seed of bitterness grows into this nasty weed if we let it. If we leave it untended the deeper and stronger those roots get.

We have all held on to a grudge a little longer than was necessary.  In our minds the grudge that we hold is punishment for the offender, but the truth is that the only person it truly hurts is us. The offender is no more or less remorseful for their transgression because you're still hanging on to the anger. Sometimes we say "He/She didn't apologize. I won't forgive until they're sorry.". I think we get that ideal because God's forgiveness requires confession and repentance. I hate to break it to you, remorse or an apology is NOT a prerequisite for us to forgive. Forgiveness is not about the offender. Forgiveness is about YOU making the decision to no longer allow that transgression to affect you. I'm going to say this one more time....Forgiveness is not about THEM.

ARE THERE CONSEQUENCES? HECK TO THE YES!

Allowing bitterness to take root in our heart has SO many consequences, both spiritual and physical. During my studying for this particular blog post I spoke with a few counselor and therapist friends. I learned that a staggering number of people who suffer from situational depression do so due to anger and bitterness towards someone and/or themselves. It's also known to be a contributing factor to high blood pressure, heart issues, and ulcers in many.

The spiritual consequences are even more detrimental. Unforgiveness opens doors for demonic torment. . The bigger the anger and bitterness gets the stronger the foothold he has on us.

Mark 11:24-25

24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

John 15:7

 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you

The New King James Version of John says if you abide in me. The definition of abide says "to act in accordance with".  Before I started really studying I had read these scriptures before, but I don't think that I truly understood what they meant. To me it just says whatever I pray if I believe then He will answer it. However, we skip over that "abide" part. I've had many times in my life when I have prayed and prayed for something and got no answer. I would get discouraged in my faith and when I sought advice I would always get a "in God's timing...not ours" answer. Don't get me wrong, I certainly believe that sometimes prayers are  answered with a "not yet", but that is an answer even if it's not the one that you were hoping for. That being said there are definitely times that I have prayed and gotten no answer at all. Have you ever prayed and just felt like your prayers stopped at the ceiling? It's more like trying to talk to someone on the phone when there's so much static on the line that you can't understand each other; that's kind of how our prayers go when we have bitterness in our hearts. The passage in Mark certainly starts off with a promise of answered prayers, but ends with the prerequisite. Before we pray we better make sure that all of our ducks are in a row. When you stand in prayer if you hold anything against anyone forgive them. Sounds pretty clear to me.

What happens to a relationship when you aren't communicating effectively? In my experience those relationships stop growing and in many cases deteriorate quickly. How can you continue to grow in Him and build your faith when there's static in the communication lines? You can't!

 When I was a young girl I was sexually abused by a close member of my family. Growing up that person remained a member of our family. I saw him at family gatherings, holidays, and birthdays. From a very young age that bitterness in my heart was seeded deep. I was not only bitter towards the man that destroyed my innocence, but towards other family members who, I felt, just expected for me to pretend that everything was ok and that nothing ever happened. As I got older the bitterness towards my family dwindled. I was eventually able to forgive them and build relationships where I had never really allowed them before. There was certainly a freedom in that. I was doing great! In my mind my offender didn't deserve forgiveness. He had never apologized to me or even admitted that what he did was wrong. I held on to that anger and disgust for this man and was determined to keep being angry until he was no longer walking this earth. A few months ago I got a phone call that this man is in the hospital and that things are not looking good. I agreed to go with my mom up to the hospital for a while. I was sitting on the couch in his hospital room when a pastor from his church arrived at the hospital to visit. He prayed for him and began to tell us how much they adored him and how much he did for the people of their church. He just went on and on about all the wonderful things about him. As I sit there I am SCREAMING from the inside "You don't even know him! You don't know what he has done!". I left that night so full of anger. Over the next few days I prayed and asked God so many questions. I prayed for relief from the pain that I felt. I prayed for understanding. How could they see someone so different? How could he have fooled them all into thinking that he was so wonderful? You know what? I got an answer and it was not the answer that I was looking for. God so gently asked me in return if I believed that he could deliver and change murderers, rapists, drug addicts, etc. Yes, I do believe that God delivers the worst of humanity. Then he asked "Why is he different?". Talk about dumbfounded! After weeks of praying and really dealing with a lot of my own emotions I found myself hoping that he really has become the man that the pastor was speaking of. I sincerely hope that he has become someone that others can go to for spiritual guidance. Hear me. That does not mean that I am chomping at the bit to build a relationship with this person. I have no plans for reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean that the relationship is miraculously restored. Sometimes forgiveness is a daily surrender of your heart. There are weeks and months that I have to go to God every morning and say "I really need for you to carry this for me today" and leave it at the feet of The Almighty. It's a very important part of the healing process. If you leave that burden at God's feet every morning eventually you start waking up without it.

It is impossible to forgive God's way without doing so in His strength.