This morning I received an email from my sister and I really felt lead to share it with you all. We all have things that we struggle with and I love her transparency.
At the beginning of the year God really spoke to me which lead to me journaling one night and the main basis of that entry was WHO AM I? I had no idea where that question would lead me. I still don't to be honest. I didn’t even understand at the time why i felt the need to write that phrase over and over again on that journal entry. I had no question about by identity then. Move forward a few weeks after that and I felt very strongly I was to "make myself available" I had no idea what that meant and I struggled so much with what I felt I knew that meant. After much argument with god I stepped down from several leadership roles in our church. Then in June I was laid off from my job. I wasn’t overly worried about that lay off; strangely I felt so much peace with that event, but these last few months have been a very difficult learning process for me. See I’m learning the answer to WHO AM I? Who am I when I’ve always been the planner, the person who knows what’s next, the medical assistant, the youth sponsor etc., and now I’m asking WHO AM I when I feel like I just don’t know the next step. I don’t know where to go. I don’t understand why I’ve been positioned where I am. WHO AM I when I feel I am at a standstill just waiting on the next direction to come. I've prayed so many times Lord, what are you teaching me? Where are you taking me? SILENCE is always the answer and I don’t deal well with not knowing. If we want to be honest I don’t FAITH well. I don’t DEPEND on God well. In theory it all sounds good and I do believe in him and I do believe he takes care of us but I don't actually live that out the way my mind believes it. My flesh wants to know, wants to plan, and wants to be IN CONTROL.
This morning god slapped me in the face lol. Have you ever had one of those moments as a parent or sibling or whatever that you just want to grab someone and shake them so hard and say WAKE UP YOU IDIOT. Well, I was in my barn gym this am, the one with the most amazing view. The one that i would have never thought I’d have especially at the beginning of this year the one that says all over it IM GOD AND IM TAKING CARE OF YOU... well, God shook me so hard. He said I’m right here you idiot and I’m taking care of you. Have i failed you, have you wanted for anything, can you not see me? Talk about humbling. Shortly after this a song comes on by Dillon Chase called transcending light the song starts with
“I was in the dark so long my eyes adjusted. I'd feel my way around like no sunrise was coming. Even shadows need light behind the subject" OMG this is so how I’ve felt like I’m walking around and nothing is coming so I’m discouraged and lowly and down on myself and questioning my worth etc.... so A few more lines then
"My drowning likes to drown you out... this coward shouts "I lost faith when i found my doubt"
That’s so it. Doubt destroys us. I’m not saying that I still have no doubt or that I’m even going to have this great faith that moves mountains and speaks life into everything, but if i know anything it’s that MY GOD is SO beyond amazing that he peruses you when you lose sight of him. He pursues you when you don’t trust him. He pursues you when you have doubt. I can’t help but get excited over that. I’m not perfect, i have so much sin in my life it’s unreal. Any person out there could look at me and be like yup there goes the hypocrite...., but even in all that MY GOD LOVES ME, he takes care of me, he pursues me. He says YOU ARE MINE.... we need to quit putting standards on ourselves to live up to who WE think we are because it’s just going to get torn down anything we can build is destructible it’s just going to leave you feeling worthless and defeated i the end, but GOD he builds things we can’t imagine. He builds a life of worth. What he builds can never be destroyed and it will give you rest. We need to rest in who god says we are. I still don’t know who I am, heck I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, but I do know GOD's GOT ME The chorus of that song says " This light is leading me to see that you are everything and this life, given to me, i will offer faithfully"
So here I am faithfully offering myself to the lord. Lord, show me who you say I am. Even if I’m just a shadow- your light shines behind me.
HIS WILL, HIS WAY, MY FAITH