FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, letting go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.
***Forgiveness should NOT be confused with
Approving of or excusing of the offense
Saying that you no longer hurt
Saying that you are not justified in feeling hurt
Committing to a future relationship with the offender
Believing that they are off the hook - forgiveness does not absolve the offender
WHY DO WE FORGIVE? - BECAUSE GOD SAID SO!
I kind of look at my relationship with God like a parent/child relationship. Sometimes it's easier to understand when I relate it that way. There's a reason that he's our Heavenly FATHER. He is there to guide us on the right path. He has rules and expectations like any other good parent would have of their children. As a parent myself I know that every rule that I have for my children serves a purpose and is for their own good. They serve to teach, guide or protect. I don't believe that God's parenting style is any different.
How many times growing up have we been told that we needed to forgive and forget because that's what Jesus would do? Maybe you were just told that forgiving the other person was just the right thing to do. In Matthew 6: 14-15 The Bible says if we forgive men then our heavenly father will forgive us, but if we don't then He won't. Sounds reasonable, doesn't it? I feel like this is something that we kind of skip over as Christians. We've all said The Lord's Prayer a million times, but that line that says "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us" doesn't really hit home like it should. We talk a lot about God's grace and His forgiveness as a selling point to Christianity, but we don't talk a lot about the prerequisites. God is full of love and mercy and all of these great things, but like any good parent there are things that are required of us as well. Those requirements are in place for our benefit.
Sometimes forgiveness is easy. The tiny infractions come easy most of the time. When it comes to the bigger offenses forgiveness is HARD, ya'll! That tiny seed of bitterness grows into this nasty weed if we let it. If we leave it untended the deeper and stronger those roots get.
We have all held on to a grudge a little longer than was necessary. In our minds the grudge that we hold is punishment for the offender, but the truth is that the only person it truly hurts is us. The offender is no more or less remorseful for their transgression because you're still hanging on to the anger. Sometimes we say "He/She didn't apologize. I won't forgive until they're sorry.". I think we get that ideal because God's forgiveness requires confession and repentance. I hate to break it to you, remorse or an apology is NOT a prerequisite for us to forgive. Forgiveness is not about the offender. Forgiveness is about YOU making the decision to no longer allow that transgression to affect you. I'm going to say this one more time....Forgiveness is not about THEM.
ARE THERE CONSEQUENCES? HECK TO THE YES!
Allowing bitterness to take root in our heart has SO many consequences, both spiritual and physical. During my studying for this particular blog post I spoke with a few counselor and therapist friends. I learned that a staggering number of people who suffer from situational depression do so due to anger and bitterness towards someone and/or themselves. It's also known to be a contributing factor to high blood pressure, heart issues, and ulcers in many.
The spiritual consequences are even more detrimental. Unforgiveness opens doors for demonic torment. . The bigger the anger and bitterness gets the stronger the foothold he has on us.
Mark 11:24-25
24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
John 15:7
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you
The New King James Version of John says if you abide in me. The definition of abide says "to act in accordance with". Before I started really studying I had read these scriptures before, but I don't think that I truly understood what they meant. To me it just says whatever I pray if I believe then He will answer it. However, we skip over that "abide" part. I've had many times in my life when I have prayed and prayed for something and got no answer. I would get discouraged in my faith and when I sought advice I would always get a "in God's timing...not ours" answer. Don't get me wrong, I certainly believe that sometimes prayers are answered with a "not yet", but that is an answer even if it's not the one that you were hoping for. That being said there are definitely times that I have prayed and gotten no answer at all. Have you ever prayed and just felt like your prayers stopped at the ceiling? It's more like trying to talk to someone on the phone when there's so much static on the line that you can't understand each other; that's kind of how our prayers go when we have bitterness in our hearts. The passage in Mark certainly starts off with a promise of answered prayers, but ends with the prerequisite. Before we pray we better make sure that all of our ducks are in a row. When you stand in prayer if you hold anything against anyone forgive them. Sounds pretty clear to me.
What happens to a relationship when you aren't communicating effectively? In my experience those relationships stop growing and in many cases deteriorate quickly. How can you continue to grow in Him and build your faith when there's static in the communication lines? You can't!
When I was a young girl I was sexually abused by a close member of my family. Growing up that person remained a member of our family. I saw him at family gatherings, holidays, and birthdays. From a very young age that bitterness in my heart was seeded deep. I was not only bitter towards the man that destroyed my innocence, but towards other family members who, I felt, just expected for me to pretend that everything was ok and that nothing ever happened. As I got older the bitterness towards my family dwindled. I was eventually able to forgive them and build relationships where I had never really allowed them before. There was certainly a freedom in that. I was doing great! In my mind my offender didn't deserve forgiveness. He had never apologized to me or even admitted that what he did was wrong. I held on to that anger and disgust for this man and was determined to keep being angry until he was no longer walking this earth. A few months ago I got a phone call that this man is in the hospital and that things are not looking good. I agreed to go with my mom up to the hospital for a while. I was sitting on the couch in his hospital room when a pastor from his church arrived at the hospital to visit. He prayed for him and began to tell us how much they adored him and how much he did for the people of their church. He just went on and on about all the wonderful things about him. As I sit there I am SCREAMING from the inside "You don't even know him! You don't know what he has done!". I left that night so full of anger. Over the next few days I prayed and asked God so many questions. I prayed for relief from the pain that I felt. I prayed for understanding. How could they see someone so different? How could he have fooled them all into thinking that he was so wonderful? You know what? I got an answer and it was not the answer that I was looking for. God so gently asked me in return if I believed that he could deliver and change murderers, rapists, drug addicts, etc. Yes, I do believe that God delivers the worst of humanity. Then he asked "Why is he different?". Talk about dumbfounded! After weeks of praying and really dealing with a lot of my own emotions I found myself hoping that he really has become the man that the pastor was speaking of. I sincerely hope that he has become someone that others can go to for spiritual guidance. Hear me. That does not mean that I am chomping at the bit to build a relationship with this person. I have no plans for reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean that the relationship is miraculously restored. Sometimes forgiveness is a daily surrender of your heart. There are weeks and months that I have to go to God every morning and say "I really need for you to carry this for me today" and leave it at the feet of The Almighty. It's a very important part of the healing process. If you leave that burden at God's feet every morning eventually you start waking up without it.
It is impossible to forgive God's way without doing so in His strength.